Alright, so because gays won the right to marry the world is going to end (when the Large Hadron Collider is turned on). But what does it mean to get married?

A 50% chance that you will lose 50% of your stuff (unless you get your prenups done right).

Some people insist that marriage is founded in the “good book;” but why not take a closer look at what the bible says — like the parts about forcing one’s daughter to marry some guy who killed your enemies. Sounds like a great idea! I will give my daughter to the first girl to get Hillary to finally give up.

So what is marriage besides being a reward for a favor?

Making sure your fuck spawn is really your fuck spawn.

Marriage comes from the same holier-than-thou mentality that demands you save yourself for your wedding night. It’s designed to ensure that your first-born boy (and only boys really matter) gets all your stuff. Thanks to the “sanctity” of marriage you “know” the woman you knocked up is holding “your” kid (but people forget that the size of human testicles are a direct result of our tendency to cheat [more info about that under cut- because it goes way off topic but is fun to read I promise]).

People seem to have this evil idea that:

Woman + Man= OK
Man + Man = FUCKING END OF THE WORLD (quickly turn on the Large Hadron Collider)
Man + Dog = apparently alright according to bible thumper logic

And leaving the best for last-
Woman + Woman = every guy’s dream / an accurate description of my love life (don’t ask- I’m just very, very lucky!)

Truthfully, marriage is about rights — originally the succession of property rights, but now legal rights as well. For example, if a gay person is hospitalized, as things stand currently, their life partner would not have the right to visit them, much less have any say about their care.

Some insist that civil unions are the same thing by a different name, but gays who have suffered from lack of legal standing know better, and the courts in California finally recognized that and corrected it.

In summation (never thought I would use that once I left high school), marriage is not the sanctimonious romantic ideal that our society represents it to be. Listen up, you people who have been vigorously thumping those bibles, please, please, please, wake the [tirade of expletives that even I refrain from putting on the web] up! Two same-sex people getting married are not going to “ruin marriage” — Britney Spears already beat those “damn dirty gays” to that.

So if any gay couple wants to have a nice wedding, go for it; just don’t let me catch the garter (or bouquet, for that matter) — I tend to be bad luck when I do.

-Magus-

The testicle size in a mammal (such as humans) corresponds to the likelihood that their mates will cheat on them. The evolutionary explanation for this is that larger testicle size means more sperm. More sperm released during intercourse (better known as fucking, for some readers) means a higher likelihood your mate will become pregnant with your sperm rather than someone else’s. (The other evolutionary result of large testicles is an increased likelihood of winding up in Japanese bukkake porn).

Within the primate family, which humans share with gorillas and chimps, gorillas have smaller testacles for their size, relative to humans. This is because the social structure of gorilla bands consists of one dominant male who keeps a harem of females and drives all other males away, so a male gorilla doesn’t have to worry about his “wives” messing around on him. Chimpanzees, on the other hand, have larger testicles for their size (again, compared to humans), and they fuck like… well, monkeys. (Yes, I know they are not technically monkeys, those are another branch of the primate family; I remember my biology class!) Humans have relatively large testicles (last time I turned my head and coughed), and there is a show on TV called “Cheaters” for a reason (not to mention the necessity of inventing the paternity test).

Cheating insures that a wayward mother joins her genes with those fittest for survival, and most likely to get passed on to subsequent generations. You see, if the father is a handsome philanderer, he is more likely to pass his genes on to the next generation in disproportionate amounts, because he’s fucking everything that moves; and he will pass that ability and his good looks on to her child, who can then pass his AND her genes on in disproportionate amounts (including the gene governing her cheating behavior, incidentally). At the same time, the mother manages to sucker a good provider into thinking her child is his, and thus she ensures that her genes have doubled their chances of survival — once because they are partnered with good genes, and once because they are being cared for by someone with abundant resources that can help them thrive (and also, by the by, passing on the genes for hypocrisy, again in disproportionate amounts). You know this story — marry the older rich guy who has a nice nest in the best location and who can afford the best food, clothes and education for “his” kid, but then get it on with the guy next door who has bigger, prettier plumage and a nicer song. Birds do this all the time — and so does every other creature that has a low birth rate and long maturation rate, including humans. Such a reproductive strategy requires the mother to spend an exorbitant amount of her resources to rear her young, thus literally putting all her evolutionary eggs in one basket. Genetically speaking, it pays to be a cheating hypocrite.

Sources:

Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene

The Selfish Gene
Price: —

68 New and used from USD 1.78

(290 Customer reviews)

Richard Brodie, Virus of the Mind: the New Science of the Meme

Virus of the Mind:: The New Science of the Meme
Price: —

4 New and used from USD 39.95

(62 Customer reviews)

Tags: Current Events, Humor, Magus Dethen, Morals, Religion, Science and Technology //